
A Rose of Mexico 

A Pair Of Pants 

A Jack And His Queen 



A Drama 

Talking Act 

A Comedietta 



/ 




An Invitation To The Ball Comedy Sketch 

Chatter Monologue for Males 

Down In Paradise Alley Comedy Sketch 

Family Secrets Monologue 

Izzy's Vacation A Summer Episode 

Keep Your Eye On The Ball 

Comedy Sketch 

Meet My Wife A Comedy Drama 

The Spirit of Captain Kidd Comedy 

Two Girls And Him Comedy Sketch 

What Every Woman Thinks She Knows 
Suffragette Monologue 



M. WITMARK & SONS, 
Witmark Building 144-146 West 37th Street, New York 



Note. — The acting rights of this play are expressly 
reserved by the Publishers, to whom all per- 
sons wishing to produce it should apply. 
Amateur presentation may be made with- 
out such application and without charge. 



A Jack and His Queen 



A Comedietta in One Act 

By 
HARRY L. NEWTON 



Copyright 1913 hy M. WITMARK & SONS 
International Copyright Secured 



M. WITMARK & SONS 

Publishers 

Witmark Building, 144-146 W. 37th Street, New York 

CHICAGO SAN FRANCISCO LONDON PARIS 

Professional Performing rights reserved 






COSTUMES. 

Jack Windsor — Afternoon walking suit. 
Flora Mason — Afternoon walking dress, hat, 
furs, etc. 
Hall Boy — Uniform. 

PROPERTIES. 
Books and magazines on table. Photograph of 
Flora. Envelope containing a visiting card for Hall 
Boy. Tray with lunch, glasses, knives, and forks ; 
bottle of wine for Hall Boy. Cigarette case with 
cigarettes for Jack. 



TMP96-007192 



D 34016 



CHARACTERS : 

Jack Windsor — A Young Bachelor. 
Flora Mason — His Fiancee and Queen of His 
Heart. 
A Hall Boy. 

Locality. — Jack Windsor's apartments. 
Time. — An afternoon this year. 

SYNOPSIS : 

Jack Windsor, a young bachelor, has recently re- 
turned from an eight years' tour of the world, and, 
having sown his wild oats, decides to settle down 
by marrying his fiancee, Flora Mason, whom he 
has not seen since she was a young Miss with her 
hair in pig-tails. 

Flora pays a surreptitious visit to Jack's apart- 
ments, and while there discovers a visiting card 
bearing the name of "Tottie Twinkletoes," a dancer 
who, it has been previously announced, will call 
upon Jack that very afternoon. 

Jack discovers Flora in his rooms and mistakes 
her for Tottie. Flora keeps up the deception, and 
some very smart dialogue ensues, at the end of 
which peace and mutual understanding are fully 
established. 



DIAGRAM OF STAGE. 

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AUDIENCE.. 

L. I. E. — Left first entrance. 
R. I. E. — Right first entrance. 
L. U. E. — Left upper entrance, 
C. — Centre of stage. 
R. C. — Right centre of stage. 
Iv. C. — Left centre of stage- 

C. D.— Centre door. 

D. R. C. —Door right centre. 
D. L. C— Door left centre. 



A Jack and His Queen 



STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

As seen by a performer on the stage, facing the 
audience, R. means right hand; L., left hand; C, 
centre of stage. 

Scene. — Bachelor "den" in Jack Windsor's apart- 
ments. Piano L. Table, on which are books and 
magazines, etc., R. C. Fireplace with mantelpiece 
and looking-glass above it R. On mantel is a photo- 
graph of a young girl. Telephone on table. Stage 
to be set as handsomely as circumstances will per- 
mit. Door leading to street L. 3 E. At rise of the 
curtain Jack is discovered in comfortable chair near 
the fire, with his feet elevated on table, and smoking 
a cigarette. 

Jack — George! but it's good to be home again 
after knocking about the continent for eight years. 
I tell you, when a fellow gets to be my age he's 
good and willing to settle down, and that's what I'm 
going to do pretty soon — settle down. No more 
warm birds and cold bottles for yours truly. I cut 
it all out from now on. I wonder what Flora looks 
like, anyway — now. Last time I saw her she was in 
short skirts, had two fetching pig-tails, and some 
freckles. (Eyes fall on photo on mantel.) Hello, 



A JACK AND HIS QUEEN 

there she is now! (Gets up, goes to mantel and 
gases at photo.) Howdy-do, Mrs. Windsor-soon- 
to-be. Take a good look at your future husband. 
You'll probably see more of me now than after our 
marriage. But, no, that won't be so. I'm going to 
be just the nicest thing in well-behaved husbands to 
be found. (Throws cigarette into grate.) I think 
I'll quit smoking right now — at least that particular 
cigarette. (Produces cigarette case, selects and 
lights cigarette; puffs reflectively.) She was a nice 
girl, all right, and — 

(Hall Boy enters with envelope containing card 
from L.) 

Jack — Hello! What's this? (Opens envelope, 
takes card, and reads card aloud) : "Tottie Twinkle- 
toes." Huh! What's this, anyway? Tottie Twin- 
kletoes ! Where is the lady ? 

Boy— There ain't no lady. An A. D. T. breezed 
in here with it. He sez I wuz to beat it upstairs 
and give it to youse. Is that all? (Holds out his 
hand.) 

Jack — Yes. 

Boy (thrusting out hand prominently) — Beg par- 
don, sir; is that all? 

Jack — I hope it is. One strange lady is quite 
enough. 

Boy — Come on, kick in, kick in! I've got a 
widowed father and three kids to support. 

Jack (handing him coin) — There ; on your way! 

Boy — Yes, sir ; thank you, sir. (Exit L.) 

Jack (looking at card in his hand in puzded 
manner) — Well, who — what — Say, I wonder who 



A JACK AND HIS QUEEN 

belongs to this ? Great title — "Tottie Twinkletoes.'* 
Sounds like an actorine, doesn't it? But I don't 
know her. Can't say I care to. (Telephone bell 
rings.) Hello, I wonder who that is? Some busy 
day for yours truly. (Goes to phone, takes down 
receiver, and calls) : Hello, hello ! Yes, this is 
Pink — Pink I said, not punk. Pink — Pink! Say, 
what's the matter with you, are you color blind? 
Pink 23. Yes, this is — what's that? Date? Date? 
I don't — Peach? See here — Pair? What's 
that — pair ? You say you have a date for me and a 
peach? Hello — say, what do you think this is, a 
fruit store? What's that you say? Bird? Lark? 
(Laughs aside.) Now he thinks he's got a bird 
store. Oh, is that you. Bill ? Say, you had me go- 
ing. I thought you were ringing up a department 
store. Yes — Oh, I had a great time! Yes, kind 
of rough on the ocean. A little rough on my bank 
roll ? Well, rather ! Say, Bill, you ain't living 'less 
you go to Paris. You just ought to see some of 
those — but no more for mine. I'm the regular Httle 
Sunday school scholar from now on. Card ? What's 
that? Tottie Twinkletoes? (Picks up card from 
table.) Yes, sure ; kid just brought it. Say, what's 
the matter with her, and what's the trouble with 
you? No, I'm reformed — cross my heart; nothing 
stirring. Bill, not a leaf. I tell you I don't want to 
meet her! Coming? Right away? Well, see here, 
she's not. I tell you — Hello, hello. Bill, for 
Heaven's sake] (Hangs up receiver.) He's gone. 
Well, what do you think of that? Ain't it awful, 
Mabel? I'll tell you now, no Tottie Twinkletoes 



A JACK AND HIS QUEEN 

gets in here this afternoon. No, siree ! {He throws 
card on table R., and then goes over to piano and 
sits down, picks up song and reads title aloud.) 
That's just the way I feel. (Introduces song. At 
conclusion of same exits R.) 

(A knock at door L.) 

Flora {After a slight pause, peeps in) — May a 
body come in ? Why, the place is deserted ! ( Com- 
ing down toward table, laughing.) Put not thy 
faith in elevator boys. He told me, "I sure would" 
find Mr. Windsor at home. {Goes to fire and warms 
her hands.) Dear old Jack ! Won't he be surprised 
to see me ! It's eight long years since we — we be- 
came engaged. {Sighs.) My, but that's a long 
time to wear a man's name. {She has turned to 
table and is turning over books, etc., when she picks 
up card and reads absent-mindedly) : "Tottie Twin- 
kletoes" — what a queer name ! {Laughs, but breaks 
off suddenly.) But I wonder who this Twinkletoes 
person is? {Looks at card again.) Her card cer- 
tainly occupies a very prominent place on my Jack's 
table. But, pshaw! my Jack wouldn't — {Going 
toward L. ) 

{Enter Jack from R. He starts back in surprise 
on seeing Flora.) 

Jack — Oh, Miss Twinkletoes ! So you came, 
anyway ? 

Flora {Confused) — Yes, I — who — {Looks 
again at card.) 

Jack {Aside) — Gee, she's peach preserves! Bill 
sure has taste, all right. {Looks care f idly around 
rooin, then goes to centre door and draws curtains; 



A JACK AND HIS QUEEN 

still aside) Won't do any harm to speak to her, 
anyway. (To her) What will you have — I mean, 
have a seat. Take off your — hat. 

Flora — Why, really, Mr. Windsor, I didn't — 

Jack— Oh, that's all O. K. Bill just called up 
and said you'd be over. 

Flora — Oh, he did, did he? 

Jack — Surest thing you know. I say. Miss Twin- 
kletoes, do you — (Busies himself in placing a 
chair by the table.) 

Flora (Aside) — Oh, so I'm Miss Twinkletoes! 
Here's my chance to have a little fun — and find out 
what my Jack is like. (To him) So Bill said I was 
coming, did he? Isn't Bill a bully guy? Honest, I 
think he's a four-time winner. 

Jack (Surprised at her language) — Yes — yes, he 
is. But tell me — Never mind. Wait till you know 
me better. (Aside) Not only a swell looker, but all 
to the spring flowers on her monologue stunt. It's 
me to get cozy with her. (To her) Oh, is that chair 
comfortable ? 

Flora (Meanwhile has seated herself in careless 
fashion) — Believe me, party, it is. 

Jack — Glad to hear it. Won't you take off your 
coat? 

Flora — Guess not, party. Your fiancee may 
come piking along any moment, and I need all the 
hair I've got. Say, do you know you're a whole lot 
different from what I expected ? Bill says you was 
stand-ofiish — that you were engaged for the wed- 
ding march. 'Tis true? 

Jack — Oh, not exactly engaged. Just a mere ar- 



10 

A JACK AND HIS QUEEN 

rangement. You know the way these things are 
settled. But let's talk about yourself. Are you an 
actress ? 

Flora — As to that, the jury's still out. I don't 
care to play my own trombone solo, but when I pull 
out all the emotional stops and start chasing Camille 
around the parlor, Leslie Carter begins to cancel 
time forthwith. And my notices ! My dear, they're 
simply immense! Why, the man on the Jayville 
Junction Journal sez : "Her comedy is tragedy, and 
her tragedy is comedy." Say, you can't get 'em any 
stronger than that! If it wasn't for a personal tiff 
with Abe Erlanger I'd be on Broadway to-day. At 
that, I'm hidin' from Henry W. Savage. Why, Dil- 
lingham sez to me : "Any time. Miss Twinkletoes, 
you want a production a star like you should have, 
come to me." 

Jack — Are you playing emotional roles now? 

Flora — I should hope not ! I'm a merry villager 
with Sam Bernard, with a line after the opening 
chorus. I step out and say : "Oh, girls, here comes 
the king!" Believe me, I get a hand just as soon 
as the king comes on. 

Jack — Have you a song in the show? 

Flora — With the prima donna green with jeal- 
ousy as a creme-de-menthe ? I guess not ! You 
know, party, I'm the last one to start any anvil 
chorus, but all that skirt knows about singing she 
snatches from a hurdy-gurdy without hurting the 
works ; and when it comes to dancing, a switch en- 
gine could give her the double-cross. Why, she 
ought to be home in a rocking-chair. 



11 

A JACK AND HIS QUEEN 

Jack — Oh, I suppose she had ; but do you know, 
you're just the style of girl I like. Breezy, right up 
to the minute — a real good pal. What would you 
say to a small bottle ? 

Flora — Few words, indeed ; but give me a 
knockdown to a quart of wealthy water and I'll put 
you up to a line of chatter that's got it on any doll 
on the Big Light Alley. White Seal, party, for 
mine. 

Jack (Rings call bell) — How's your appetite? 
Will you have a bird ? 

Flora — Nix for the bird talk. But I could do a 
lovely specialty with an order of ham and eggs, if 
I wasn't afraid of givin' the comic papers the du- 
plex-cross. Say, where do you Johns get the idea 
us actresses live on birds? Every time you lay 
orbs on us you make a noise like a squab. It's poor 
talk, believe me, it is. (Enter Boy L.) 

Jack (To Boy) — Bring the luncheon ordered for 
this afternoon, and a couple of bottles in a bucket. 

Flora — Don't be short. Make it a full house in a 
wash tub, sonny. 

Boy— All right. (Exit.) 

Jack — You must have inherited your appetite for 
ham and eggs from Bill — he always takes them. 

Flora (Surz'eying room) — Gee, you've got this 
room fixed up to give Dave Belasco the Willies. I 
shouldn't think you'd want to chuck all this glad 
stuff just to ask some dame to. help pick out a jan- 
itor with you. 

. Jack — Say, what does all that mean in plain 
American ? 



12 

A JACK AND HIS QUEEN 

Flora — Why, to do the (feather-thchnest act; 
boom the orange blossom industry ; get married, of 
course. Gee, that's simple ! 

Jack (Thoughtfully) — You know, I've thought 
of that same thing myself, and I'm thinking that 
this is a mighty comfortable way to live, after all. 

Flora (Aside in natural voice) — Oh, you do, do 
you ? Think I'll gather some more evidence against 
you, Mr. Jack. (To him) Yep, you're right there, 
party. Marriage is all right in the $i.i8 novels, but 
when you start acting it out it's some different. 
How'd you like to tend the furnace, bring in the 
milk, beat carpets, wash dishes, pay rent and a half 
million other things? Nix, and likewise nay, for 
httle Tottie ! 

Jack — I guess you're right, little girl. (Goes 
over to piano.) I certainly wish I could get out of 
this engagement thing. (Strikes chords on piano.) 

Flora (Aside, in natural voice) — Oh, you do? 
(To him) Sure. Once you're married, the kibosh 
is on the shows, lights, music, and the whole merry- 
merry works. It'll be you for the slippers and fire- 
side gag. You won't be in on the first nights and 
the lobster palaces. You won't see the girls dance — 
Say, did you ever see me dance? Well, just you 
strike up some hasty music and I'll make Loie Ful- 
ler look like a cripple. 

(Introduction of dance by Flora. At conclusion 
Jack makes a rush at Flora, zvith idea of kissing 
her, hut she evades him.) 

Flora (Placing table betzveen them) — Now, 
don't you make any fool breaks on that hug propo- 



IS 

A JACK AND HIS QUEEN 

sition. These hurry lovers don't always get results. 
I've seen guys that would make love to beat the 
band cut out by a slow boy whose work was pol- 
ished. 

Jack — ^Just one kiss. You have bewitched me. 

Flora — Well, stay that way. As soon as you 
kissed me you'd come to. Say, bo, I didn't dope 
you out for such a cheap guy that you thought a 
quart of wine entitled yau to everything. 

(Boy enters with tray and lunch — L. i.) 

Boy — Here's the lunch, sir. 

Jack — Put it on the table. 

Boy (Placing tray on table) — Yes, sir. Did you 
forget something? 

Jack (Giving him coin) — On your way. (Boy 
exit L.) 

Flora (Grabbing chair and placing it at table) — 
They're off! Say, party, you'll be left at the post 
if you don't start in on the food supply. (Takes 
napkin and tucks it carefully about her chin.) Great^ 
ain't it ? Overlooked the fried onions, but at that I 
guess I won't starve to death. (Takes knife and 
heaps it full, then puts it in mouth.) Say, what's 
wrong with the bubbles? Might as well touch off 
the fireworks now. 

Jack (Who has watched her in disgust) — Do you 
always eat with your knife? 

Flora — Sure — it's better than fingers. Remem- 
ber, Tm a lady. 

Jack (Rises, opens wine, and iills both glasses; 
then picks one up and holds it aloft) — Here's to 



A JACK AN^D HIS QUEEN 

you. "Drink to me only with thine eyes." (Intro- 
duces song.) 

Flora (After song) — Here's to you, bright eyes. 
(Picks up her glass, pretends to drink, but throws 
ivine in bucket; then she reaches over, gets his glass 
and repeats business.) Here's looking at you again. 
You got a bully voice, kid! Know anything else? 
(Takes another large mouthful.) 

Jack (Sadly) — Yes, I know I've made a mistake. 
Do you know, Miss Twinkletoes, that your manners 
are simply atrocious? (Pidls out cigarette case.) 

Flora — Say, kid, forget it. Gimme a cigareiie. 

Jack — No, I won't. I don't allow women to 
smoke in my apartments. I want you to finish up 
that stuff and leave. I'll ring up Bill and have him 
call for you. (Sta7'ts for phone.) 

Flora (Dropping chorus girl voice and manner) 
— Oh, please don't do that ! Please don't ! 

Jack (Turning in surprise) — Why, what does 
this mean ? 

Flora — It means that I have been imposing on 
you. That I am not Miss Tottie Twinkletoes at all. 

Jack — Then who in thunder are you? 

Flora — I am Miss Flora Mason and I'm looking 
for Mr. Jack Windsor. I intended to surprise him, 
but I've evidently gotten into the wrong apartment. 
(Tearfully, and looking about nervously.) 

Jack (Aside) — She doesn't'know me. I'll have 
a little fun with her. (To her) What kind of a 
looking chap is this Windsor ? 

Flora — He's tall and handsome, with the carriage 
of a gentleman. Why, he's a veritable Greek god. 



A JACK AND HIS QUEEN 

I love tall men. (Looking at Jack from head to 
foot) Short men do not impress me at all. 

Jack (Aside)— Kind of a hot shot! (To her) 
How long since you saw this — this Apollo? 

Flora — Eight years — but I'm sure Td know him 
anywhere. 

Jack (Throzving out chest and rising to full 
height) — Then look at him. I'm Jack Windsor! 

Flora — Jack Windsor? You? (Laughs.) Why, 
my Jack is a gentleman. My Jack wouldn't enter- 
tain a chorus girl or try to steal a kiss. 

Jack — Well, I didn't think that my Flora would 
drink champagne, do a skirt dance, or eat with her 
knife, either. 

Flora (Hangs head) — I'm afraid I've been a 
very bad girl. (Eagerly) But did I do a chorus girl 
well? 

Jack — Flora, you were a Jim-dandy — true to life, 
too! 

Flora — Why, Jack, how do you know ? 

Jack (Stammering) — Why — oh, why, I've read 
about them, you know — just read about 'em ! 

Flora (MolliHed) — Oh, I see! But I'm awfully 
glad you like my acting, because I'm going to do an 
imitation of Rose Stahl to-morrow night at the Art- 
ists' Club, and I got good old Bill to fix it up so I 
could surprise you. So you sec we've just both 
been playing. 

Jack — Yes, and perhaps not according to Hoyle, 
either ; because for the first time on record the Jack 
is going to take the Queen. (Takes her in his 
arms.) curtain. 



AUG 5 1913 



CHARLES DICKSON'S FAMOUS ONE-ACT 
PLAYS 

(ROYALTY PRODUCTIONS.) 
"THE SALT CELLAR." 

Adapted from the French by Henry Doblin. 

This delightful comedy of domestic life, originally 
played as a curtain raiser to "Incog" by Mr. Charles 
Dickson with Lillian Burkhart and Louis Mann. For 
years there has been a demand for this little play and 
we are sure the fact of its being released and published 
will be hailed with d^elight. 

While "The Salt Cellar" is remarkably amusing, its 
great popularity rests upon the fact that it is so abso- 
lutely human. In this respect it may be called a veri- 
table "chapter from real life." 

It is the story of a hysterical little bride and her new- 
ly wedded husband and their first dinner in the new 
home, to which they have invited their old uncle. They 
have agreed never to quarrel with each other and are 
in the very ecstacies of their honeymoon, when the 
bride accidentally upsets the salt cellar at the dinner 
table and the old superstition with reference to the 
salt cellar involves them in one of the fiercest of do- 
mestic quarrels, which finally terminates with the com- 
plete subjugation of the new husband. 

This play will live as long as human nature. 
Price, 25 cents, postpaid 

"THE THIRD CHAPTER." 
Adapted from the French by Charles Dickson. 

This is an adaption from the French, the leading 
parts of which have been played by every prominent 
actor and actress on the French, German and English 
stage for the past fifty years or more. It is the most 
perfect example, in form and construction, of the one-- 
act comedy extant and may be designated a classic. 

There are other versions of this play in existence, 
but this is the version adapted by Mr. Dickson and 
played by him throughout America nearly one thousand 
times. 

It is the best acting version of the comedy now 
known in the English language, the result of the many 
times that Mr. Dickson has played it. 

Price, 25 cents, postpaid 



M. WITMARK & SONS 
86 Witmark Bldg. Nev/ York 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



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